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Let’s be honest. Do “difficult” people really exist? Or are we just stuck in a pattern, pushing a button on someone that gives us a response we don’t like?
We’ve all been there. The colleague who shoots down every idea. The manager who micromanages. The client who just won’t cooperate. You try to reason, you push back, you give in—and nothing works. It feels like you’re stuck in a loop.
What if you had the manual for that loop? That manual exists, and it’s called the Interpersonal Circumplex, or the “Rose of Leary”. It’s not a dusty theory; it’s a practical, powerful, and fun tool for understanding and changing your interactions.
The game board: your interaction compass
Forget personality “types.” The Rose of Leary is not about putting people in boxes. It’s a dynamic map that shows how behaviors interact. It’s built on two simple axes that define every human interaction:
1. The vertical “Power” axis (Agency):
- “Above” (Dominant): leading, taking charge, asseting opinions.
- “Below” (Submissive): following, listening, asking for help.
2. The horizontal “Affiliation” axis (Communion):
- “Together” (Friendly): cooperating, supporting, agreeing
- “Against” (Hostile): opposing, criticising, attacking.
Every single thing you do—your tone of voice, your body language, your choice of words—is a combination of these two axes. A supportive leader is “Above-Together”. A skeptical, withdrawn colleague is “Below-Against”.
The “magic” Rule: Behavior Pulls for Behavior
Here’s the secret: your behavior is an invitation that “pulls” for a predictable response. This is the principle of complementarity, and it has two iron-clad rules:
1. On the Power axis, behavior is COMPLEMENTARY:
- “Above” behavior pulls for “Below” behavior. (A strong leader gets followers).
- “Below” behavior pulls for “Above” behavior. (A person asking for help gets a leader).
2. On the Affiliation axis, behavior is SYMMETRICAL:
- “Together” behavior pulls for “Together” behavior. (Friendliness gets friendliness).
- “Against” behavior pulls for “Against” behavior. (Hostility gets hostility).
This is the key. You can’t always know how you are perceived, but you can absolutely tell by the responses you get from others.
Application 1: The classic move (Taming “Judge Dredd”)
Let’s say a colleague (“Judge Dredd”) comes at you with “Above-Against” (Hostile-Dominant) behavior: “Your report is late and it’s probably wrong anyway”.
- Your natural (Losing) reaction: You get “pulled” into the complementary “Below-Against” (Hostile-Submissive) position. You get defensive, withdraw, or mutter, “Well, you never sent me the data”. Now you’re both in the “Against” zone, and the conflict escalates.
- The pro (Winning) move: You use paradoxical anticipation. You refuse the “Against” pull. Instead, you consciously move to “Below-Together” (Friendly-Submissive). You ask open questions, listen, and give them room to let off steam: “You’re right, it is late. I’m feeling the pressure, too. What’s your biggest concern with it?”.
By holding this “Together” position long enough, the symmetry rule (Together pulls for Together) takes over. You break the negative cycle and “pull” them out of the “Against” zone into a productive conversation.
Application 2: The team X-Ray (finding the “red zone”)
The Rose isn’t just for 1-on-1s. You can use it to analyze your entire team. Researchers talk about teams getting stuck in a “Red Zone” (the hostile side) versus a “Green Zone” (the friendly side).
- Is your team in the “Green Zone”? You’re likely open, respectful, and effective. The most high-performing, satisfied teams have strong “Together” (communal) norms.
- Is your team in the “Red Zone”? You might be stuck in cynical “Below-Against” behavior (everyone resents decisions) or “Above-Against” behavior (everyone tries to outperform and ridicule each other).
A leader can use this “X-Ray” to stop asking “Who is the problem?” and start asking “What pattern are we in, and how can I, as the leader, use ‘Above-Together’ behavior to pull us to a better place?”.
Application 3: The advanced move (You vs. You)
This is where the Rose of Leary gets really deep (and where coaching shines). The model can be used to create a “multisurface” profile of your personality. This means we can map:
- Your Traits: How you see yourself (e.g., “I am warm and cooperative”).
- Your Problems: What you “do too much” or find “hard to do” (e.g., “I am too submissive,” or “It’s hard for me to be assertive”).
- Your Values: What you want or value (e.g., “It’s important to me to be in charge”).
What if your Values map says you want to be “Dominant,” but your Problems map says you find it “hard to be assertive”? That’s a huge source of internal conflict and frustration. By making these hidden mismatches visible, you can finally understand what’s holding you back.
It’s not a trick, it’s a tool
The Rose of Leary isn’t about manipulation. It’s about awareness and flexibility. It gives you a language to describe what’s happening so you can move from an automatic, involuntary reaction to a conscious, mindful response.
The most powerful lesson from Leary is this: Influence others? Start with yourself! You can’t force someone to change, but you can, with 100% certainty, change your own behavior to invite a different, better response from them. And that, in essence, is a superpower. Plan your free orientation call today.
