The “Mother Teresa” Complex

First of all, who was Mother Teresa really?

According to the myths, Mother Teresa was a woman who was “larger than life.” A woman who thought only of others and put a face to altruism. But there are different stories circulating. Others said that, despite her millions in assets, the conditions in which she cared for people in India were appalling. Meanwhile, she herself was constantly in the spotlight, praying and receiving praise and beatifications.

What is the Mother Teresa complex?

But what exactly is the Mother Teresa complex? After all, wanting to help others is surely a positive thing. So what is the problem? The Mother Teresa complex actually describes the true motivation and drive behind wanting to help, and where the line lies between “simply” helping and “pathologically” helping. It does not necessarily describe how much help someone actually provides, but rather why that person feels compelled to help.

What is striking is that the people with a Mother Teresa complex often received too little attention during their childhood, or had a mother who displayed this behavior to a significant degree themselves. Insecurity becomes the ultimate motivation for continuing this behavior.

How does it work?

Someone with a Mother Teresa complex is not necessarily a bad person. Rather, an unhealthy pattern of expectations has developed, which can be described as: “you should appreciate me because I do something for you or for others in the world.” The help you offer is therefore not selfless because you genuinely want to help someone, but because of the appreciation that comes from it, directly or indirectly. There are different levels of self-confidence that can result in a more or less severe form of the complex.

Most severe version:

The most severe version manifests itself in continually helping others and taking out angry outbursts on anyone who bursts the person’s bubble.

Less severe versions, but still fairly annoying for those around them:

Demanding appreciation for everything you do. The person has more self-confidence, but is constantly disappointed that those around them do not recognize what a good person they are. They are always willing to offer help, but sometimes this can even lead to the end of friendships when, in the giver’s eyes, there is not enough appreciation in return.

They also often want their children to display the same behavior. This can manifest itself in raising their children with an excessive emphasis on expressing gratitude for even the smallest things they do for their children, or that others do for them. In reality, there is a constant sense of disappointment with the people around them, who are unable to provide enough appreciation for the services being offered.

As a result, someone with a Mother Teresa complex can often derive more satisfaction from superficial friendships, because the likelihood of receiving appreciation increases when you help someone who does not expect it. A stranger who is helped will be intensely grateful, and this allows the woman to briefly experience the appreciation she is unable to give herself.

The problem is often that the behavior reinforces itself, causing it to become increasingly extreme. The need for appreciation becomes so great that they continually seek out new sources of validation to confirm that they really are kind and wonderful people, because that validation does not come from within.

How can coaching help with this?

The most important thing is to realize that you, or someone you know who has this complex, is fundamentally a kind and likeable person who has developed a coping style that is no longer functional. The good news is that coaching can produce positive results relatively quickly. What does a coaching program look like if you want to work on yourself and feel happier?

• Identify which situations make you happy or unhappy
• Map out where else your happiness can come from
• Learn to recognize these situations
• Develop a better understanding of your relationship with the people around you

People with a Mother Teresa complex often lack the self-awareness to recognize and name this pattern in themselves, and may therefore perceive this article as an attack on their goodness. Nevertheless, it is worthwhile to make someone in your life who displays this behavior aware of it and to support that person through coaching or other forms of help. 

Interested in seeing a GORT psychologist in addition to a coach? Take a look at our website.